Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
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[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
RT if you could go either way.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it