If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
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Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk