I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
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Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Nose
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”