Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
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“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Yup.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means