I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
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Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]