Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
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Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*