My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
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I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
nobody’s gonna understand
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.