Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
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Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side