It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
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Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now