there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
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There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
that lip filler tho
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.