“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
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I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.