Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
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Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance