Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
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What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh