People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
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bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body