No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
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*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk