This is me 馃ぃ馃ぃ
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Person drinking Smart Water: It鈥檚 like I鈥檓 being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We鈥檙e so much alike.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 馃檮 chill out. You aren鈥檛 a teletubby.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Judas: I can鈥檛 wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can鈥檛 wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can鈥檛 spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can鈥檛 wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I鈥檓 not sure
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Don鈥檛 go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad