I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
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me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank