In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
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I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
A choir of Spring onions
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.