At least my masseuse has my back.
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God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
This hospital has everything
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw