I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
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Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.