Duck typos.
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I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Happy Taco Tuesday
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long