Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
You Might Also Like
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]