Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
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My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter