Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
You Might Also Like
Muppet Screams
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.