Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
You Might Also Like
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it