My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
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Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me