[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
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This week’s mood.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
*has no idea what a book even is*
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”