Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
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[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Good advice.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.