[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
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Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
I love the smell of relapse in the morning