My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
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Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
CRYING
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.