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Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.