I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
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If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Saw your ex at the shops