i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
You Might Also Like
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?