Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
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me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
The glockness monster
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
the world’s most popular steaming services
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?