“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
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Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Me redecorating every room in my mind
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.