Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
You Might Also Like
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]