It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
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BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Fights fire with marshmallows
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.