[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
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*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high