*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
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Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Worst perfume name ever.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
i wish we could shoplift online
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*