I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
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[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.