Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
You Might Also Like
Me to husband: I鈥檓 about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
There is no try. There is only give up.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I鈥檝e put a stop to that nonsense.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 馃
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Hadn鈥檛 tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren鈥檛 distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 馃え
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.