Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
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I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.