Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
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Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
set yourself free xox