[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
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“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”