me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
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Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Cheers Twitter.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.