Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
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Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.