how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
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Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
i choose….tongue
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.