“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
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dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”