Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
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Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf