realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
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Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.